


You let me complicate you

by aythia



Series: You let me... [3]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-08-24
Updated: 2010-08-24
Packaged: 2017-11-15 21:55:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/532193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aythia/pseuds/aythia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jared is graduating college, finally getting out of the shadow of what happened all those years ago, or so he thinks...but things don't turn out like he thought they would and he is forced to face things he thought he had buried.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You let me complicate you

_**~Jared~** _

Jared sighed and rubbed his hand over his eyes, trying to wipe away the gravel that it felt like someone had filled them with. He was mere weeks away from graduating and the stress was getting to him; he felt like the only thing he did was study and take tests, and he was pretty sure that coffee was the only reason he was able to stand upright anymore. The only thing good was that when he finally did sleep, he was exhausted enough to fall into a deep, dreamless sleep. It was a relief not to be plagued by nightmares and memories.

He angrily pushed those thoughts aside and bent back down over his books, but the numbers on the pages were blurring together; Jared pulled his tall frame up from the rickety kitchen chair as he admitted defeat. As was pretty much everything in his apartment, the chair was secondhand, faded blue with some white pattern that might once had been flowers painted on the seat. Secondhand or not, he liked it, and it matched the blue ceramic plates that lined a shelf on the wall. He walked slowly out of the kitchen and through the tiny hallway to his bedroom; he stopped in the doorway when he saw the figure sprawled out on the bed. He tried not to be annoyed, but he couldn't really help it; lately, all the time he spent with Connor was grating on his nerves. Jared turned around and padded back to the kitchen, grabbing his book before he went into the living room to sit down on the big sofa that took up the better part of the small room. At least that way, if Connor asked, Jared could claim to have fallen asleep while studying.

He stretched out on his back, long limbs barely fitting even though he had specifically chosen a big sofa to accommodate his physique. When he closed his eyes, guilt flooded his mind. Finding excuses to not sleep beside his boyfriend... Jared felt terrible about that. A small voice inside his head pointed out that he hadn't _asked_ Connor to come over and _that_ was why, but Jared knew it wasn't true. He and Connor were over, it was just a matter of Jared actually telling his boyfriend as much. As Jared felt himself slowly drifting to sleep, his mind drifted away, and as it had so many times before, his last memory before sleep claimed him was of deep green eyes and freckles.

~*~

The hand that woke him was soft and warm, slender fingers stroking his shoulder and then up through his hair and for a moment, Jared felt like he was fifteen again as the fingers in his shaggy hair twisted.

"Hey baby." Connor's voice brought him back to reality. "Why are you sleeping on the couch? The bed is much more comfortable."

Jared opened his eyes and saw Connor's green eyes mere inches from his face, a small frown line between his eyebrows. The annoyance from earlier rose in him once again as Connor leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to Jared's unresponsive lips.

"No, rather sleep here," Jared mumbled, still half asleep.

He could feel his boyfriend freeze up, hand pulling away from his hair.

"You'd rather sleep on your sofa, than in the bed with me?" Connor asked with shaky voice.

Jared sat up and tried to shake off the sleep that clouded his mind. He ran one hand through his hair but couldn't make himself look at Connor.

"I didn't say that..."

"But you're not denying it, either," Connor said, and Jared didn't want to hear the hitch in his voice.

"Connor." Jared sighed and looked at the bright numbers on the clock over on the bookshelf. "It's 4 AM, can't we...do this some other time?"

Connor pushed away from Jared, stood up and took a few steps back, head in his hands. Jared swore inside; this was not the proper way to do this. Connor deserved better after three months together, but the words were out and Jared couldn't take them back.

"When is a better time for you to break up with me, Jared?" Connor asked flatly. "Tell me, because I really want to know."

"I'm sorry." Jared sighed again and stood up. "Fuck, you deserve so much better than this, Con. I'm just... I didn't plan on...dammit."

Connor pushed one hand through his red blond hair and looked at Jared.

"I knew it would happen," he said, and Jared could see the glimmer of tears in his eyes. "I guess I always knew. Who is he, Jared?"

"What?" Jared stared at him. "No, Connor, I swear, there's no one else. I would never do that!"

"Maybe not like that, but there's someone, Jay. You never gave this your all. Whoever he is, I hope..." Connor stopped and swallowed. "I hope he knows how damn lucky he should be to have you love him. "

Jared was stunned. He couldn't even think about protesting as Connor walked back towards the bedroom; by the time he re-emerged, fully clothed, Jared still hadn't moved.

"I'll...come get my stuff in a few days. And bring yours."

Connor stood in the doorway for a few moments but Jared was still reeling, unable to respond.

"Bye, Jay."

When the night faded to day, Jared was still wide awake, trying to fight thoughts of a man whose name he refused to even think.

~*~

Jared let out a huff as he sat down in his chair. He was early to the exam, but he would rather be at school waiting than sitting at home and replaying the previous night in his mind. He shuffled his pencils around on the desk in front of him while the room slowly filled up around him with his fellow students.

When Jared had first been accepted to the University of Pennsylvania, he had been scared. He knew that... _he_...was somehow behind it all, but now, with college almost done, Jared had aced most of his exams and was among the top percentile in almost every class; apparently being a loner paid off, since he spent most of his time studying. Even more of a loner now that Connor wouldn't be around to keep him company. Jared swore inside at that thought; he really could have handled the Connor situation better. The thing was, Jared didn't really let people get close, and that was probably what have ended the few relationships he had been in. And the problem was not, as Connor had claimed, that Jared was in love with...

His thoughts were interrupted on the edge of dangerous territory as a proctor stepped up to the podium at the front and gave them a run through of exam rules.

Jared forced his mind to focus, blocking every thought of his past out as he lowered his head over the papers handed to him. It was his last exam; after it was done, he would be free in more ways than one. 

_**~Jensen~** _

"You should never have fired Sandy," Tom said as he sat down on one of the chairs facing Jensen's steel and glass desk.

"Tom, she had it coming for years, I'm not straight enough to let a girl stick around just because she's got a pretty face," Jensen said calmly. "Besides, it was two years ago and my new assistant is flawless."

"You're new assistant is over fifty," Tom sighed.

"Are you here for a reason, Welling?" Jensen growled as he tapped numbers into his computer.

"Actually yes," Tom said as he reached down to open his briefcase. "I'm not sure how much you're keeping track of Mr. Padalecki?"

Jensen froze in place as Tom mentioned the name Jensen had spent the last six years blocking from his mind. It was only the second time Tom had brought up the subject; the other time had been when _he_ had applied to college and Jensen had used money and his name to secure him a spot at UPenn. It was one of the few times Jensen had used the Ackles name to get something; he was proud of what he had accomplished on his own, but still, the name could open a lot of doors.

He pushed away from his desk, chair rolling silently over to the panorama windows. Jensen's gaze fell down to the stairs far below, to the bench where he had seen the kid for the first time.

"He'll graduate?" Jensen asked without looking at his friend.

"Within a week," Tom confirmed and Jensen heard the rustling of papers. "He...hasn't used much of the money you put aside for him so far."

"What?" Jensen turned the chair around and stood up. "That money were supposed to make sure he could live anywhere, do anything he wanted."

"Apparently what he wanted was to live in a very small apartment that he mostly pays for by working extra at a bookstore," Tom said as he looked over the papers. "He's used as little of the money you set aside for him as possible."

Jensen didn't know why he felt angry over the information, but he really was. The stupid kid!

"And...Miss Padalecki?" he asked shortly.

"She's used considerably more," Tom said, holding a paper out to Jensen. "I'm not sure how they explained the fund to her; it's possible she never was told the truth about it. I'm actually pretty sure she doesn't know how the money was...earned."

Jensen nodded at that. He was pretty sure the girl wouldn't have been fond of using the money if she knew where it came from, and how. That was probably the reason the kid hadn't used much of his, but it still annoyed Jensen.

"The deal was..." He sunk back down in his chair. "The entirety of the deal was to make it easy for him, that's why he fucking accepted it! And then he doesn't use it?"

Tom sat silently and watched Jensen for a long time until Jensen snapped at him.

"What?"

"You know why he didn't use the money, Jensen. Yes, he was only fifteen, but when he said..."

"Don't, Tom! I will throw you out if you keep on talking. I never should have told you that, and you will _not_ bring it up again," Jensen gritted out. "Still, the money should be his. Add it to the fund."

"Jensen!" Tom protested. "The fund... It's already huge! If you add this, the kid'll never have to work a day in his life!"

"Just...do it," Jensen said and hid his face in his hands. "And don't...bring up this subject ever again."

~*~

Jensen walked into his apartment and tried to push down a feeling of wrongness as he moved into his bedroom and removed his suit jacket. He had lived in the city for five years, after all, he shouldn't feel strange coming home, but every day it felt wrong. His house had been home in a way that the apartment never was.

Stepping into his walk-in closet, he unbuttoned his shirt and threw it into the laundry basket. While undressing, he thought about his former home; he did miss the mansion. It had been in his family for decades and as soon as he had graduated, he had claimed it for himself. Now, only a caretaker lived there, and Jensen had even been thinking about selling it, but for some reason he never got around to it. Dressed in jeans and a soft polo, Jensen walked into the kitchen, the soft fray of the jeans tickling his bare feet. He tried to push the earlier discussion with Tom out of his head, but he couldn't stop thinking about it. There, in his own home, Jensen could admit to himself that he had thought about the boy many times as the years went on. There was just something about the multi-coloured eyes, soft hair, and deep dimples that had gotten under his skin.

Jensen left the kitchen, all appetite suddenly gone, and instead he walked into the home office and to the safe that was hidden behind a painting. He stroked over it, cold metal against his skin. He typed in the code without even noticing and the door opened. His breath hitched in his throat as he saw the small tape that lay inside. Jensen looked at it for a long time before he reached out, fingers closing around a video that he had never watched, not once, since the day the car drove off with Jared. 

_**~Jared~** _

  
Megan's voice was soft over the phone, pride evident in every word.

"Jared, I'm so sorry I can't be there today," she said. "I've gotta pass these tests, or I would be there to see you graduate."

"I know, Meg," Jared said with a smile. "I'm happy you called, though. And besides, Jeff said he'll be there. "

"Mom and Dad should..." Megan started.

"No!" Jared snapped. "Don't. I don't want to think about them, not today."

"Sorry," Megan apologized. "Will you ever tell me why?"

Jared took a deep breath, thought about the fallout with his parents, and lied:

"Maybe some day, Meg."

They talked for another fifteen minutes, and Megan didn't bring up the subject of their parents again. Jared was grateful; he already knew that Jeff wouldn't be so kind. 

~*~

Jared smoothed out his graduation robe as he sat with the other students, trying not to think about he fact that he barely knew any of their names, or the fact that after the breakup with Connor, he didn't really have many people to talk to. He could see Maria a few rows over; she smiled when she met his gaze. Jared did smile back, but he was sure he would never hear from her again after the graduation ceremony was done.

He turned around and looked over his shoulder, genuinely smiling when he found Jeff in the crowd. His brother grinned back at him and made a thumbs up. Jared rolled his eyes and focused on the current speaker instead, words about 'the bright future ahead of us' and 'friends for life' washing over him but not really penetrating his mind. Instead he fiddled with the sleeve of his robe, thinking about what speech he would have made had he been asked to deliver one. Probably something about being free and laying to rest ghosts from the past. It was probably a good thing that no one had asked him to make a speech. Not when all graduation really meant was that Jared would finally be free; the fund would be cancelled and hopefully, he could move forward. Sure, he wouldn't be fully free until Megan graduated college, but it was still a big step in the right direction.

The dean of the college started calling names and one by one, the students filed up to the podium to get their diplomas. Jared felt nervousness seep through him. The day had been full of speeches, meetings, and more speeches, but soon it would be over, and he would hold his freedom papers in his hands.

"Padalecki, Jared."

He could hear Jeff whistle somewhere behind him as he walked up to the podium; when the roll of paper was placed in his hand, he felt something inside him soar and he raised his fist in the air, mirroring Jeff's loud whooping. Jared was really itching to get out of there, but instead he returned to his seat, shifting uncomfortably as he fingered the diploma in his hand. The rest of the ceremony seemed to be going on forever and when he looked over his shoulder towards Jeff, he could see his brother roll his eyes and check his watch; at least Jared wasn't the only one being impatient. He barely listened as the dean made the closing speech and he moved with the other students without really thinking about it, cheering half heartedly when they stood.

As he freed himself from the ceremonial procession, he made a bee line for where Jeff was already pushing through the crowd and they met in a bone crushing hug, oblivious to the people around them.

"Little brother!" Jeff cheered. "Fucking hell, you graduated. All grown up!"

Jared laughed and held Jeff firm, grounded by the presence of his brother. He could feel it start to slowly sink in, the fact that he had actually _graduated_. That he had reached his goal.

"Lets get out of here," Jared said, not even hesitating to pull the robe off.

"You don't want to stay for the the reception?" Jeff grinned.

"And play nice with people I don't care about who don't care about me? Hell no, time for my real life to begin!"

The brothers left the school grounds together, walking amongst beautiful stone buildings in silence for some time until Jeff brought up the subject Jared had been waiting for.

"I'm sorry they aren't here. They should be."

"I never expected them to be, they never could...accept...me."

"Still, it's your graduation!" Jeff said angrily. "I guess I always thought they would be here, that they could put whatever differences there are aside."

"Jeff, can we not talk about this? I just graduated, man, I got...a future to plan," Jared said, trying to ignore the nervous flutter in his belly.

"What are you going to do now, Jay?" Jeff asked. "Graduation was your big goal, but what now?"

Jared looked around the campus buildings, the place that had been his home for four years; even though UPenn had been his dream school, he knew it was because he wanted to get far away.

"I think I wanna go home," he admitted.

"Home? To San Antone?"

"No, that isn't home," Jared said with a sigh. "It was just a place we lived after..."

Jared didn't continue, he knew that Jeff understood: It was just a place they lived after _he_ had arranged for their father to get a new job.

"Dallas." Jeff nodded. "You want to return to Dallas?"

"Yeah. Texas is home, but...it's his town."

Jeff stopped to look critically at Jared, but after awhile, he nodded.

"Maybe, but it's where you want to be?"

"I...think so. Yes."

"Well then, time to plan for Texas. But first, let's work on one very important thing."

"And that is?"

"Getting drunk! You just graduated, and it's time to celebrate!"

Jared laughed as Jeff put an arm around his shoulder and steered the both of them towards the closest bar.

~*~

It was the following morning when Jared went out to buy himself and Jeff some Starbucks coffee that he realized he wasn't as free as he had thought he was. He was barely down the front steps of his apartment building when someone called out to him.

"Mr. Padalecki?"

The voice was calm and level and when Jared turned around, he was met by a man in a perfectly cut suit; to his surprise, Jared barely had to lower his gaze to meet the man's eyes. Jared thought the man looked familiar, with his soft brown hair and piercing blue eyes.

"Uhm, yeah?"

"I'm Mr. Welling," the man said and reached out his hand.

It clicked for Jared. The calm voice, the face and those eyes. He _remembered_ those eyes, how they had been watching calmly as _he_ had given Jared the offer that had turned his life upside down. Mr. Welling. He had read the name on the legal papers that had been sent to ensure that his and Megan's college funds were working properly. The fund that Jared had refused to touch more then he absolutely had to, and that should be discontinued now that he had graduated. Jared didn't reach out to take the outstretched hand, instead taking a step back.

"Why are you here? I've graduated, the fund is...finished," Jared said angrily.

"Yes, your college fund was closed down yesterday, and all the leftover money transferred to another fund," Tom said as he opened his briefcase and pulled out a thick portfolio.

"What?" Jared stared at the man.

"This fund was set up six years ago by Mr. Ackles," Tom said.

_Mr. Ackles._

The name cut like a knife and Jared couldn't stop himself from flinching when he heard the formal name of the man he hadn't allowed himself to think about.

"Jensen."

The name was out before he could stop it, and it was enough to make his knees go weak; Jared sunk down on the lowest step of the stairs. The other man said nothing, but sat down next to Jared and handed over the portfolio.

"It was a lot of money, even back then, only to be given to you the day you graduated," Tom said; there was something soft in his voice. "Then, a few days ago, he found out how little of the college fund you had actually touched, and he had the remaining money transferred to your fund."

"To pay me off," Jared said bitterly. "I don't _need_ his money. I graduated, that was always what it was about."

_That was what he told me to do._

"It isn't his money, Jared," Mr. Welling said. "It's your money; from a legal point of view, Je...Mr. Ackles can't take the money back. It's yours."

As he looked at the papers in his hands, Jared could feels his mouth drop open, his eyes going wide.

"This is..."

"A lot of money, yes."

It was more money than Jared had ever dreamed of, enough for him to not have to worry about finding a job; looking at the numbers, he thought he might never have to work again. If he took the money. Money from...Jensen. Just thinking the name hurt and Jared tried to focus on the papers instead, but there was Jensen's signature and Jared realized that at some time, these papers had been in Jensen's hands. It was the closest Jared had been to the man in six years.

"It was supposed to be...over. I was supposed to graduate and then I would be free," Jared said, closing his eyes. "But this? I don't need this."

"Maybe not, but it's yours. So I think you should think about..."

"I need to see him."

The words surprised Jared as much as they seemed to surprise the other man.

"That...would not be a good idea," Mr. Welling said. "Mr. Ackles is a busy man and this..."

"I don't care!" Jared said and stood up, the portfolio falling to the ground. "I...need to see him. This... I can't take this. He can't fucking force himself into my life like this! He thinks I could use this money and _not_ think about..."

He knew that Mr. Welling was aware of what had happened; he had been there when the deal was signed, after all. Meeting the lawyer's eyes, Jared waited for an answer.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Padalecki," Mr. Welling said crisply. "That's not an option."

Something in his eyes told Jared that the man really was sorry, but still, Mr. Welling turned and walked away, leaving Jared with the papers that were his link to Jensen. He reached down and picked them up, fingers stroking over Jensen's signature. Before he could think about it he had his phone in his hand and when an operator answered, he knew that his words would change everything.

"Hello, my name is Jared Padalecki, and I need a plane ticket to Dallas. As soon as possible."

_**~Jensen~** _

"He's not happy about it, Jensen."

Jensen closed his eyes and nodded, fully aware that Tom couldn't see him.

"He doesn't want the money?" Jensen asked.

"Actually, I think he doesn't want _you_ , or rather...any reminder of you. But..."

Jensen stretched out on his stylish and very uncomfortable sofa as he waited for Tom to continue speaking, but the silence stretched out.

"But what?" he finally asked when it became clear that Tom wouldn't continue.

"I think he'll fight this. He wanted to...meet you."

"What?"

Jensen was standing up before he was even aware of moving and he caught his own reflection in the black screen of the big TV; he could see fear in his wide eyes. He couldn't meet Jared, it simply wasn't an option.

"Tom, you... I can't... Stop him!"

"Jensen, how? You gave the kid more or less unlimited money, he won't have any problems finding you if he wants to." Tom sighed.

"Shit."

Jensen stared at his coffee table where the small video tape still lay. He hadn't watched it, and he didn't even need to; if he closed his eyes, he could still see Jared as though he had seen the boy the day before and not six years ago.

"I'll try, Jensen, but I doubt he'll listen to me."

"Keep him away. He...doesn't...need to meet me. There's no need for it!"

"There is for him."

Before Jensen could answer, Tom disconnected the call and Jensen ended up cursing and throwing his cell into the sofa. He left it there and walked into his bedroom, sinking down at the edge of the bed. He reached out and opened the drawer on the bedside table and took out a small box. It rested in the palm of his hand for a long time; he didn't open it, just stared at it as he felt something inside him break open.

He finally pushed the lid open. As he lifted up the silver ring inside, he had to blink away tears. He could so easily remember how Jared had felt in his arms that first night, the trembling of his body as Jensen had removed the ring from his finger and let it drop to the floor.

~*~

"I see you're back in town," Jensen said as he opened the door to find Tom standing outside. "And since you came here to tell me in person, I guess you don't have good news?"

Tom nodded and pushed past Jensen, handing over two six packs of Corona as he went. Jensen cursed under his breath as he closed the door and followed Tom into his living room.

"Did you convince him not to...go through with this?"

"No, because...I couldn't find him," Tom said as he opened a beer, handing it to Jensen. "At first I didn't think much of it; I thought he was busy with his brother, but then the brother returned to California. Alone. And that was when I thought to look a bit further."

"Tom, please do get to the point," Jensen growled, taking a deep swig of beer.

"He left Philadelphia the same day I talked to him."

"What?" Jensen choked on the beer. "Don't tell me..."

"He bought a one-way ticket to Dallas. He's been here for two days," Tom confirmed.

Jensen sat silent for a minute, two minutes, and then tipped the beer bottle to his lips, draining it in one go.

"Jensen," Tom said with a surprisingly soft voice. "Things are about to explode. It's time for you to tell me more. What are you afraid of?"

The silence stretched out and Jensen couldn't really wrap his mind around the fact that Tom had asked. They might be friends, but they had never been talkers, and Tom had always done what Jensen required without question, even when it came to Jared.

"You changed, you know, Jensen," Tom said. "After the kid. I never knew why you wanted him, wasn't my thing to know; I just helped you get him. But I never expected it to stretch on the other side of that weekend."

"Neither did I."

"After your parents..."

"Fuck, no, Tom, don't bring them into this," Jensen spat.

"They've always been a part of this," Tom pointed out. "From the day they dumped you off at that boarding school, you always tried to live up to whatever fucked up expectations they had. And after they died? You think you would have paid for Jared if they hadn't died?"

"Tom..." Jensen said with a sigh. "Don't... I know that paying for Jared like that was a move not many people would have made, but I don't regret it."

Tom looked very surprised at that.

"Really? I kinda thought you did, since you don't wanna see him again and..."

"No, that weekend was amazing. He was amazing," Jensen said with a softer tone. "But, it was just a weekend, it was never supposed to be more."

"Why not?"

"Tom! He was fifteen, just a kid," Jensen said. "I couldn't... Taking him was pleasure, pure pleasure. But if I had let him stay, like he begged, I would have taken away everything. You think he would be whatever he is now if he had stayed?"

"He's been studying engineering," Tom said and Jensen fell silent. "And he's really good at it, probably good enough to be head hunted unless he continues to study."

"He was a brilliant kid," Jensen said with a sigh.

"You know, he isn't that kid anymore. I could barely believe he was the same guy when I saw him."

"It doesn't matter," Jensen said with a hard tone. "He deserves a future, not someone like me. I bought him once, I won't do it again."

"Jensen..."

"No, I won't go there again, because...he would find something better, and he would leave."

"You don't know that," Tom protested. "What if..."

"No, he would leave. They always leave."

~*~

The beer was soothingly cold down his throat, something to dull the slight ache from the hangover he had managed to give himself with Tom the previous night. Jensen sighed and closed his eyes, leaning back on the uncomfortable sofa as he tried to block all thoughts of the previous nights. Jensen didn't talk; that was one thing he knew about himself. But apparently a combination of Tom, beer, and thinking about Jared was enough to make him. He wished he could take it all back, that he hadn't laid himself bare for Tom. If there was anyone he would feel comfortable sharing with, it was Tom, but that was it, and he didn't feel comfortable, not at all. Tom had been at his side since college; it had been natural for Jensen to hire him as a personal lawyer, and Tom had done everything Jensen had ever asked for. The only thing they ever argued about was Jared.

"Fuck," Jensen groaned, putting his beer down on the table. Suddenly he didn't feel like drinking anymore.

When the doorbell rang out in the otherwise empty apartment, Jensen pushed himself up and went to open it without really thinking. As he pulled the door open, he stood looking at the man on the other side for long time, silence stretching out as the man just stared at Jensen with his lips slightly parted. Jensen looked up at him—that was a surprise, not many people were taller than him—and saw that the man was gorgeous; all muscles and tanned skin. But there was something there, something oddly familiar in the brown hair that framed the man's face, something in the slanted eyes that locked with Jensen's.

Then it all clicked to place and Jensen gasped as he took a step backwards.

"Jared."

_**~Jared~** _

Jared realized that he hadn't thought things through. That much was obvious when he finally dared to step through the door of the building where he knew Jensen lived. It had taken days for him to even gather the courage to get that far, and as he stepped into the elevator, he could feel his belly churn unpleasantly. The building had none of the warmth he remembered from the big house and Jared wondered if the man would be as changed as his surroundings.

He didn't know how long he stood outside the door. The gold numbers 1908 were the only thing that told him that it was the right one. He knew that Jensen lived on the other side. As he knocked, he realized that he had no idea what to say, how to start a discussion with the man. For a few seconds, he hoped that Jensen wasn't home, but then the door was pulled open.

Jared's mind seemed to have blanked out as he took in the man holding the door open, the same green eyes that had haunted his dreams and the same dusting of freckles over the bridge of his nose and then those full lips. The only thing that showed that years had passed was deeper lines around Jensen's eyes and mouth; apart from that, he looked the same, and Jared felt his jaw drop as he looked at him. Jensen stared back and Jared could see the second it dawned on him, the way his eyes went wide as he stepped away, door still open.

"Jared."

They stood on either side of the doorway for a few moments until Jared managed to find his voice again.

"Who the hell do you think you are?" he spat out, ignoring the way Jensen flinched. "You can't keep on fucking _buying_ me."

Jensen took a step backwards and for a second, Jared thought he would slam the door shut, but then the older man straightened his back and something in his eyes turned hard.

"I'm not buying you."

Jared knew that voice, the toneless voice Jensen had used the first day Jared had seen him, the day he made the offer.

"So you're what, paying me off? Fuck you, Jensen."

The name still tasted strange in his mouth, like something sharp and bitter; he wondered if would ever actually get used to speaking it, if it would ever taste as sweet at it had six years earlier.

"It's your money, that was part of the deal we made. Just because you choose to not use it doesn't mean it's not yours. Use it, Jared, use it and...live your dream or something."

He turned and started closing the door, but Jared pushed it back open and walked inside before Jensen could stop him. Stopping in the middle of the living room, he looked around at he white walls and stylish furniture; it was nothing like he would have imagined.

"This isn't a good idea; you should leave. Just take the money and go," Jensen said, still standing close to the door.

"You won't get rid of me that easy this time. There's no car to carry me away, and you can't send my family off to some other town to get rid of me."

Jensen slammed the door shut, hard enough to make the walls shake, and he walked over towards Jared.

"That's what you think it was about?" Jensen growled at him. "Do you have any fucking idea how _illegal_ what I did was? And you wanted to what? Hang around?"

Jared found himself short of breath for a few seconds. Jensen was too close to him, green eyes shooting daggers, and he could feel the tension coming off the older man in waves. But even with all that, and all the anger rising inside him, Jared couldn't stop himself from noticing how beautiful Jensen still was. For six years, he had told himself that Jensen wasn't all that Jared remembered, that the chemistry had been in his head, but standing in front of the man, Jared could feel the air between them almost crackling with electricity.

"I was fifteen, you could have..."

"You were fifteen!" Jensen almost shouted. "I could have what? Kept you with me? I did the right thing!"

"You could have fucking admitted that it meant something for you too!" Jared shouted back before he could stop himself, and the silence between them was deafening.

Jared pulled in air and felt it burn his lungs as he fought to calm his breathing down. He wasn't sure if the ragged breaths that tore through the silence were his or Jensen's as they stared at each other; all of a sudden, Jensen closed the distance between them and crashed his mouth against Jared's, tongue pushing his mouth open before Jared could really catch up with what was happening.

He couldn't stop the moan as Jensen's tongue tangled with his, warm heat from the man's body seeping through their clothes. Jensen barely pulled back before he spoke, movement of his lips brushing against Jared's.

"You shouldn't be here, shouldn't make me want you all over again."

Jared groaned at the soft touch of lips and was about to answer when his eyes fell down to the table and he saw the small video tape that lay there; in an instant, he _knew_ what it was.

"You watch it?" he growled against Jensen's lips. "Getting off on watching yourself fuck a kid? Liked having me all tied up and pliant?"

"I didn't need to have you tied up to have you pliant," Jensen answered. He spun Jared around and pushed him forward so fast that Jared found himself kneeling on the sofa before he could even think about a response. "You wanted it so fucking bad, begged and pleaded for it."

Jared could feel Jensen hard behind him, pushing his hips against Jared's ass with a circling motion; they both moaned as Jared pressed back against the hard line of Jensen's cock. The man's hands were tugging at Jared's tee, pulling it over his head and then stroking his hands over his back, fingertips caressing the contour of muscles. The touch made Jared shiver.

"Still want it, don't you, Jared? Is that why you showed up here, at my home? Wanted to feel it again?"

Jensen's voice was a low purr in his ear; he felt hot breath puff out over his neck and then lips and teeth against his skin as Jensen sucked at the skin below his ear, causing Jared to groan as his sucking pulled blood to the surface. Jared knew he would have marks to show. Jensen's marks. Jared opened his mouth to protest but just then, Jensen bit down harder and Jared gasped.

"Want me to feel you inside you? Want me to fuck you, Jared? Just like we did then..." Jensen continued to talk, lips close to Jared's ear.

Jared pushed back fast, grabbing Jensen around the wrists and with pull, he had the man down on his back on the sofa. Jared moved to straddle his thighs to hold him in place.

"You don't know fucking anything," Jared said, pinning Jensen's hands above the man's head, holding them firm against the armrest. "I'm not a kid anymore, not someone you can just push around."

Jensen's eyes flashed hard for a second before the man bent his legs and pushed his knees against Jared's back. The movement made Jared slip forward enough for his crotch to press against Jensen's.

"Maybe not, but you're still hard," Jensen said with a smirk. "Hard for me, just as you used to be."

Jared bit down a moan as his rock hard cock aligned with Jensen's through double layers of denim, sweet friction that he had to struggle not to grind into. Instead he grabbed both of Jensen's wrists with one hand and let the other move down to Jensen's hip, holding him down.

"You're the one wanting this, Jensen. _You're_ the one hard for me, the one kissing me," Jared said angrily. "Why can't you just admit it, that weekend meant something! That's why you're giving me all that money, because I meant something to you."

"No," Jensen said through clenched teeth. "It was just sex, nothing else. And the money? Payment for a job well done, I would never have expected that much from a virgin."

For a second, Jared felt like Jensen had slapped him, but there was something in Jensen's eyes that made him hold onto the vice-like grip he had on the man's wrists.

"Stop fucking lying to me, Jensen!" he growled. "Or are you actually so messed up that you believe that yourself? Stop, and listen to yourself for a second!"

Jensen's eyes flickered away from Jared's then and he went still, but his body was still tense; Jared was prepared when he tried to get his hands free from Jared's grip.

"You know nothing about me," Jensen said angrily without meeting Jared's gaze. "It was just sex, and..."

Jared didn't let him get further before he surged down and claimed Jensen's mouth with his own, teeth catching on the man's lower lip. His bite and tug was answered by Jensen's body arching up against his own.

"It was more than that," Jared said as he pulled back to look down at Jensen. "You wanted me then, and you want me now. Why can't you just admit it?"

"I want to fuck you, if that's what you mean," Jensen said and locked eyes with Jared again, a taunting glimmer in his eyes. "You're even hotter now than you were then, but it's still just sex."

He didn't know who pushed back into the kiss that time, but their tongues tangled together and Jared's hips rocked down to grind against Jensen, the movement pulling moans from them both. The evening was shaping up nothing like Jared had thought it would, but as he licked into Jensen's mouth and found a taste he still recognized, he couldn't stop; instead he deepened the kiss, chasing the taste that he knew was pure Jensen. Without realizing it, he had loosened his grip on Jensen's wrists as the kiss heated up; suddenly Jensen pulled free, pushing Jared away.

"Bedroom. Now."

Jared didn't protest and the two of them stumbled down the hallway, kissing hard enough to bruise, tugging at each other's clothes as they moved. The air was pushed out of Jared's lungs as Jensen slammed him into the wall and bit down hard where his neck and shoulder connected, pain mixed with pleasure powerful enough to make his knees go weak. He wasn't even aware of how his clothes came off, but by the time he stumbled and landed on his back on Jensen's bed, he was naked and gasping for air.

"Want you. Need you," he mumbled as Jensen almost fell on top of him and kissed him again.

Jensen didn't answer, but his hands were on Jared's hips, fingers curling over skin and bone in a way that sent wave after wave of pleasure straight to Jared's cock. Jared groaned as he felt the warmth of Jensen's cock against his own, no clothes to separate them anymore.

"Jared," Jensen moaned against his lips. "So gorgeous, taste so good. Get on your knees, want to taste you, lick you open."

The older man pushed away from Jared, leaving him enough room to turn around on the bed; Jared raised himself on his knees and elbows and he felt Jensen crowd up behind him before he even got into position, strong hands back on his hips, stroking over taut skin. He felt the warmth of Jensen's tongue against his lower back, trailing down tantalizingly slow until the tip of his tongue pressed against the tight rim of Jared's ass. The touch was enough to send Jared back six years, and he remembered the first night with Jensen, how he had burned with humiliation and desire the first time that warm tongue pressed inside him. This time, the desire was even stronger, and Jared moaned loudly, pushing his hips back as Jensen pushed the tip of his tongue inside. Jensen worked him with slow licks at first, but soon he seemed to lose his control and started tongue fucking Jared, hands on his ass to spread him open.

"Oh fuck," Jared groaned, pushing his face into a soft pillow, biting down on it as a long finger joined the warm tongue.

He could feel a burn as Jensen pushed a second finger inside, saliva not enough lubrication, but Jared didn't protest; even with the burn it was too good for him to really say anything. He rolled his hips back against Jensen's tongue and fingers, a silent plea for more. When a third finger was added, tongue soothing the edge of his stretched rim, words spilled from Jared's lips.

"Please, fuck me. Need to feel you. Please, Jensen, do it, please," he gasped out. 

_**~Jensen~** _

The taste of Jared was more than Jensen had remembered, a dark taste that made him crave more as he pushed his tongue as deep as he could before adding his fingers, stretching Jared open for him. Jensen couldn't get enough of the man on his bed, the man who was nothing like the pliant kid Jensen remembered, muscles rippled under skin as Jared pushed back against him. One thing was still the same, though, and that was how Jensen's body reacted to Jared's. As soon as the shock of finding Jared on his doorstep had faded, Jensen's body had been thrumming with want; he couldn't wait to map out Jared's body all over again.

Jensen couldn't do what Jared asked of him, he couldn't admit to anything, but once he got his hands on Jared, he knew what he was doing; the new Jared moaned just as pretty as he had six years earlier, and when the pleading started, Jensen knew what he wanted, what he _needed_.

He was just about to reach for the lube and a condom when Jared turned around and looked at Jensen, eyes dark with lust.

"Just do it, you've fucked me bare before."

"Fuck," Jensen groaned.

"I'm ready, just do it, fuck me," Jared said, pushing back against Jensen.

Jensen hissed as his cock dragged against Jared's sweaty skin, rough friction that made pleasure surge through him. There was no way he would be able to do anything but what was asked of him; he aligned his hardness against Jared's spit-slicked hole, pushing forward slowly.

Jared gasped under him, body trembling as it opened up to accept Jensen inside. Jensen knew it had to burn, had to hurt, but Jared just pushed back against him, forcing Jensen in faster.

"Christ." Jensen grabbed Jared's hips to keep him still, letting him get used to the stretch. "Feel so good around me."

"Move, dammit, just move!" Jared growled, trying to arch back against Jensen.

Jensen pulled back until only the head of his cock was inside Jared and then slammed his hips forward, burying himself inside Jared. His fingers were holding Jared hard enough to bruise as he fucked him deep and hard, moans and gasps echoing around the room together with the sound of flesh against flesh. Jensen could feel himself rushing towards the edge; it was too good, too much, everything he had thought it would be and then some. And Jared was writhing underneath him, arching up and moaning every time Jensen's cock brushed against his prostate. Jared tried to push up more, his hands grabbed the headboard as he curved his back, arching at a new angle that made Jensen slam into him even deeper.

He leaned forward, hands landing on top of Jared's, locking them against the headboard as he circled his hips, cock buried inside Jared; the motion had him moaning in pleasure, biting down on Jared's shoulder, and he knew his orgasm was very close.

"Need to... _fuck_...touch me," Jared moaned, his voice muffled against the pillow.

Jensen thrust into Jared again, and he could feel Jared's whole body tremble as he grazed the sweet spot again.

"No," he purred into Jared's ear. "Want you to come like this, just on my cock."

Jared was begging, voice rough as he groaned out his pleasure, and Jensen moved in small thrusts, making sure to keep a constant pressure against Jared's prostate.

"Gonna...please, need you to...please. _Jensen_!"

Jensen was just about to give in, to move and wrap his hand around Jared, when the man beneath him let out a sharp cry and his whole body convulsed as he came, ass clamping down hard on Jensen's cock; it was enough to push Jensen over the edge he had been teetering on and he came hard, Jared's ass like a vice around him, pulling pleasure from him as they moved together through their orgasms. He could feel the slickness of his own come around his cock as he rode through the orgasm. They both collapsed on the bed, Jared on his belly and Jensen half on top of him, gasping for breath as their bodies shivered with aftershocks.

He didn't even think about it as he slid off Jared, the other man whimpering as Jensen's cock left his body, but he wrapped one arm around Jared's waist and pulled him close and they fell asleep like that, legs tangled together.

~*~

When Jensen woke up, it took awhile for him to realize where he was, to remember why his arms were wrapped around a warm body, but then the previous night flooded back into his awareness. He pulled back quickly and Jared stirred beside him, sleepy eyes opening to look at him.

"What...where..."

He could see the second that Jared realized, his eyes going wide as he sat up in bed, the sheets pooling down around his waist.

"This was a bad idea," Jensen said as he sat up as well.

Jared looked at him and Jensen could see anger turning his eyes hard.

"Wow, you sure don't sugarcoat things, do you?" Jared said. "Some people might have said 'good morning' before they started acting like a jerk."

Jensen ignored him and got out of bed, trying to pretend that he couldn't feel Jared's eyes on him as he pulled on his jeans, not bothering with underwear.

"This changes nothing. Go back to...whatever you planned to do. Go hug it out with your family and..."

He knew right away that he had said something bad because Jared practically growled at him when he stood up as well, his nakedness on display before he found his own pair of jeans to cover himself up with.

"My family?" he spat as he buttoned his jeans up. "You think they want anything to do with me? It wasn't all hugs and puppies, you know. I came home after that weekend, in the fucking limo, and they never treated me the same way again. I was spoiled in their eyes."

Jensen closed his eyes at the onslaught of emotions that Jared's words caused, and he had to admit to himself that in six years, he had never nursed the idea that Jared hadn't had the perfect life Jensen wanted him to have.

"And later, do you think they liked it when they realized that you had 'turned me gay'? Jared said, angrily yanking his fingers up and down in air quotes.

"I didn't..."

"I know, I fucking know, you self righteous ass! But it didn't matter what you thought, what you had planned, did it?" Jared was glaring at him. "That was how they saw it, you bought me and what you did to me turned me gay. And guess what? My church-going parents? Not so fucking pleased to have a fag son."

Jensen flinched at the word and his eyes opened again, unable to look away from Jared.

"The thing is, they loved the money, they used the money, but once I moved out to go to college I never heard from them again. See, your dirty money was good enough for them to spend, but the dirty son you sent them? Not worth the time of day."

"It's my fault that you liked it?" Jensen said with a frown.

He could see the anger and hurt on Jared's face as the man took a step backwards.

"Fuck you, Jensen. Take your fucking money, I don't want it. You've done enough... Just...fuck you!"

Jensen could only watch as Jared pulled on his shirt and left the room. He was still standing in the same spot when he heard the apartment door open and then slam shut. 

~*~

_**~Jared~** _

The door slamming behind him made Jared jump, even though he was the one slamming it, and for a moment he stopped in the hallway, nursing the idea that Jensen might come after him, might try to stop him. He knew that would never happen, though, and he walked slowly towards the elevator, fighting back the humiliating tears that burned behind his eyelids. As the doors to the elevator closed behind him, he let the tears fall down, resting his head against the cool, mirrored walls.

He didn't know what he had really expected from the meeting with Jensen, if he had really made any plans that stretched further than needing to confront the man who had turned his life upside down. Had he expected anything, it sure hadn't been what had happened. He thought he would have been stronger than that.

" _Payment for a job well done, I would never have expected that much from a virgin._ "

The words echoed in his head, and he almost though he would be sick as the words kept swirling around. He had been so sure that there had been more to it, that he had gotten through to the man.

" _This changes nothing._ "

Jared angrily swept the tears away, rubbing his face clean with the sleeve of his jacket as the elevator dropped closer to the ground floor. Once the doors opened, he was out of the building in no time, putting as much distance between himself and Jensen as possible. 

~*~

"That...might not have been your smartest move, Jay," Jeff said when Jared had gotten through the story. Jared answered with an annoyed huff.

"I know, but...Jeff. He was..."

"Everything you remembered?" Jeff said softly.

"And then some," Jared agreed. "I just... I thought I was over it, but when I saw him again. Fuck, I'm not over it, I'm not over _him_."

"You didn't know that?" Jeff asked, sounding surprised. "Jared, you've been gone for this guy for six years, even when you were with Connor and whatshisname..."

"Greg," Jared muttered.

"Yeah, okay. The thing is, even though you had a boyfriend, you never really gave it your all. You always held something back."

The words reminded him very much of what Connor had said during their breakup; Jared sighed, stretched himself out on the lumpy hotel bed, and closed his eyes, phone clutched tight in his hand.

"Jay, you're my brother and I love you. And...you might not like this question, but..."

"What?" Jared asked when Jeff didn't continue.

"Did you ever hold back...with Jensen?"

Jared was barely aware that he had disconnected the call until his phone rang again; he turned it off as he lay staring up at the ceiling, watching the paint flaking in the corners. Jeff's words had stirred something inside him that he wasn't sure if he really wanted to think about, but as he lay there and listened to the sounds of the city outside, he couldn't _stop_ thinking about it.

Six years he had spent focused on distancing himself from Jensen, on doing anything to avoid having to use the money, on reaching graduation and putting Jensen and the sordid deal behind him. And with one small comment, his brother had brought everything tumbling down, all the walls that Jared had struggled to build up.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck," he mumbled into the quiet of the room.

Jared was good at suppression—he had been doing it for the last six years—but suddenly he couldn't anymore. It was too much, thoughts and memories swirling around inside his mind; no matter how he tried, they wouldn't stay down.

"It's not supposed to be like this," he groaned, closing his eyes. "It was just supposed to be a teen crush."

He lay silent on the bed for a long while, fighting against the words that were begging to be said until he couldn't hold them back anymore.

"I'm not supposed to still be in love with you."

_**~Jensen~** _

Jensen was shaking as he listened to the deafening silence stretched out through the apartment, his own ragged breathing the only sound breaking it. Then he was moving without really thinking about it; he found his hands around his phone, pressing speed dial and waiting for an answer.

"I told you I didn't want to see him, I fucking told you to stop him," he growled the second Tom picked up the phone.

"What?"

"But can you manage that? No, he shows up on my doorstep, in my damn apartment, Tom."

"I'll be right there. "

The line went dead before Jensen could say anything else and he looked at it for a moment before he threw it into a wall; the sound of the plastic breaking was almost relaxing. 

~*~

Tom didn't knock, walking into the apartment to the living room where Jensen sat on the sofa, still dressed only in the jeans he had pulled on before Jared left.

"Jensen, I'm not all that fond of you calling to cuss..."

Tom went silent and Jensen didn't even bother looking up at him.

"He left, I told you, they all leave," Jensen said as he stared down at his own bare feet. "Sooner or later, every fucking one leaves."

"What...happened?" Tom asked, sitting down beside Jensen on the sofa.

"I opened the door and...it was him. Just, he didn't look anything like I remembered. Tom, he was...taller than me..."

"I know..."

Jensen pushed up off the sofa and started pacing back and forth across the room, long strides as he angrily swept one arm out towards the front door.

"He was just there, standing there, and...then he came inside, I can't... Tom, I didn't want him...here. It was never fucking supposed to come to this."

"What was it suppose to come to?" Tom asked, standing up.

"What? Nothing! It was one weekend, I wanted him. Simple as that."

"Simple?" Tom snarled, glaring daggers at Jensen.

Jensen stopped in his tracks. In six years, this was the first time Tom had ever stood his ground or argued with Jensen over the whole mess that had come of that one weekend.

"You bought a kid for a weekend and you call that simple? Six years, Jensen, six fucking years and you're still obsessed with him. Isn't it time that you accept that you're..."

"No!" Jensen snapped. "I'm not anything. It was one weekend. He accepted that then, he fucking signed the papers and everything. He knew what it was about! Hell, he was even begging for..."

The fist that connected with his face caught him by surprise, his head snapping to the side from the impact; any more words he might have meant to say were silenced. For a long moment they stood staring at each other, Jensen cupping one hand over his aching jaw as Tom unclenched his fist, blue eyes locked with green and both of them utterly surprised.

"The fuck...?" Jensen said, the movement sending a new flash of pain radiating out from his jaw.

"He was _begging_ for it?" Tom growled. "When will you get it through that thick head of yours that he was fifteen—of _course_ he begged in the end, don't you fucking go blame it on _him_."

"I know how damn old he was," Jensen said, surprised at how bone weary his own voice sounded. "That's the problem, it was a kid's crush."

Something in Tom's eyes softened and he shook his head slowly.

"That's why you refuse to admit it? Because...you think it isn't real? Just a kid's infatuation?"

"I'm not refusing to admit anything! There's nothing to admit!" Jensen protested.

"Considering what time it is now," Tom said as he eyed the clock on the wall, "I'm guessing he spent the night. Do I need to point out that he isn't a kid anymore?"

"It's just sex, doesn't mean anything," Jensen answered, the practiced answer he had told himself so many times before.

"Jensen, if it doesn't mean anything, why can't you let it go?"

And wasn't that the million dollar question. The one thing that Jensen had asked himself over and over but, in six years, been unable to find the answer to.

"Because...he's special," Jensen mumbled. "Because..."

"Because he was good in bed? A pliant body for you to fuck?" Tom asked.

Jensen moved without thinking; the crash when he slammed Tom against the wall echoed around the apartment.

"Don't you fucking dare talk about him like that!" Jensen snarled. "He's special because I love him!"

"See, you finally admitted it," Tom said with a smirk. "Now, could you please let go of me?"

Jensen dropped his grip on Tom and stumbled back, his own breathing too quick, too shallow, and his vision blurring as he fell down on the sofa and buried his face in his hands.

"Fuck..." he mumbled. "I...damnit... I love him...and..."

The realization hit him harder than Tom's punch had and his head snapped up quickly.

"He left. I need to, fuck, I need to find him, I need to talk to him."

Jensen could hear the edge of panic in his own voice, but he didn't care. It didn't matter; nothing mattered besides Jared. Tom seemed to understand because he slid his phone out of his pocket with a smile.

"Let's find him, then."

~*~

Jensen was walking through the streets; he needed the time to gather his thoughts before he saw Jared again. As he weaved through the crowds of people, he saw it. It was a small book shop, nestled amongst bigger, fancier shops, and it caught his attention right away. Or rather, something in its window caught his attention.

The leather of the book's covers was soft to the touch, but even though it was clearly old, the book was in good condition. The dusty smell of the store calmed Jensen's nerves much more than the walk had done and with the book paid for, he walked the last few blocks to the hotel where he knew Jared was staying. Ten minutes later, he was still standing outside, the book clutched tight in one hand and his cell phone in the other.

"Tom, I can't," he said the second the call connected. "I just can't."

"Jensen, go inside that hotel or I swear to God, I'll fucking punch you again."

Tom hung up and Jensen stood still, looking at his phone for a long time before he put it back in his pocket. His fingers reached up to touch the bruise on his jaw, a dull, throbbing ache emanating from the spot. He took a deep breath and walked inside the building. 

_**~Jared~** _

Jared didn't even know how long he had spent on his back, staring up at the ceiling and trying to stop feeling what he felt, but he knew it wasn't working; he must have been lying there for hours. He realized one thing: he would not be able to stay in the same town Jensen was in, not when he knew how far he had fallen. If he stayed close, he might never be able to move on. At the same time, the mere thought of leaving Jensen behind hurt, and the fact that it hurt made Jared angry, sad, and very confused.

The knock on the door surprised him; not even Jeff was supposed to know which hotel he was in, and for a moment Jared thought about ignoring it, but then he realized that it was probably some cleaning lady who would open the door if she thought he wasn't in. With a groan, he pushed off the bed, grabbing at the wall for a second to regain his balance as his body adjusted to verticality after so long on his back. He flung the door open and froze in place at the sight that met him.

Jensen.

Jared could only stare at the man on the other side of the door; his jaw dropped as Jensen looked down and shifted nervously from foot to foot. He hadn't seen Jensen nervous before and the little movement was the only thing that prevented Jared from slamming the door in Jensen's face.

"Jared," Jensen said, looking up.

The look in Jensen's eyes knocked the air out of Jared's lungs. All the memories Jared had of him were of a man in control, but the man in front of him looked broken and very unsure. Jared's gaze fell on the bruise on Jensen's jaw, a red and purple swirl, and he wondered how much pain the man was in.

"Can I...come in? I need to talk to you," Jensen pleaded.

"I think you said all you needed to say," Jared said in a clipped tone. "Can't see how anything you say now can make a difference."

Jensen's shoulders dropped and his fingers fidgeted with the cover of a book he was holding. When Jensen moved it a little, Jared couldn't hold back a gasp as he read the title.

"That's... _Tom Sawyer_ ," he said before he could stop himself.

"Yeah, it's... I..." Jensen lifted his hand and rubbed his neck as he held the book out towards Jared. "I saw it and I thought of you. I want you to have it, even if you don't want to speak to me again...and I understand, I really do. But I want you to have it."

Jared took the book and stroked over the cover with careful fingers; memories of an afternoon in Jensen's library flooded back in full force and he remembered the wonder he had felt when Jensen had understood what the books meant to Jared. He remembered the way Jensen had kissed him until not even the books had mattered anymore.

Only then did Jared realize that Jensen was turning around, that he was leaving.

"Wait!"

Jensen stopped but didn't turn back to look at Jared; the tense line of his shoulder made Jared hesitate for just a second before he spoke.

"Come inside, I think we...should talk."

The man turned around slowly; as he looked at Jared, his tension seemed to drain slightly. As the door closed behind them, Jared took a deep breath and leaned back against it, trying to gather his thoughts; all his focus was on the man standing in the middle of the room, looking at Jared with barely-hidden hope in his eyes.

"Why did you come here, Jensen?" Jared asked as he carefully walked a few feet towards the green-eyed man.

"Because...I realized something I should have figure out a long time ago, and once I did, I had to see you at least one more time."

Something clenched inside of Jared at those words.

"You came to say goodbye?" he asked, trying to keep the hurt from his voice.

"Yes... I mean no. What?" Jensen shook his head. "This is coming out all wrong... Let me start over."

He leaned back against the desk opposite the bed and when Jared looked at him, he could see his own reflection in the mirror behind Jensen; he looked as confused as he felt.

"I bought the book because I wanted you to have it, because I remembered the way you looked when you held it. I remember everything about you, Jared. I remember how you looked that first night, I remember how you felt; not only...during sex, but...when you sat close to me and I held you when we watched movies, do you remember that?"

Jared swallowed and nodded. He didn't think he would be able to get a single word out.

"The thing is, what stuck with me most was how much it hurt to send you away," Jensen said as he dropped his gaze to the floor.

"Didn't seem to bother you then," Jared said past the lump in his throat.

He could still remember Jensen's voice when the man had told him to leave, to go away and go to college. To not be a part of Jensen's life. The memory made him sink down on the bed and he closed his eyes as he fought back burning tears.

"I'm so sorry, Jared."

Those were words that Jared had never thought he would hear. They made his head snap up as he looked at Jensen; the man had taken a small step forward and was biting his lower lip as he looked at Jared with soft eyes.

"What?" Jared croaked out as Jensen took one more step forward.

"I'm sorry I messed up your life, I'm sorry that I didn't dare to fight for you then, and..." Jensen took a deep breath. "I'm so fucking sorry for how I treated you last night. It wasn't a bad idea, you...would never be a bad idea."

"Jensen..." Jared breathed out, too stunned to manage more.

"And most of all, I'm sorry it took me this long to realize what you mean to me, how much I love you."

Jared gasped and his whole body shivered as he pushed to his feet, his eyes riveted on Jensen. The air in the room felt thicker and all he could hear was the rushing of blood in his ears as he stepped closer.

"Did you... What? Jensen?" he mumbled, slowly reaching out one hand but stopping before he actually reached Jensen.

Jensen closed to distance, a step forward that made Jared's hand press over his heart, and lifted his own hand to place it over Jared's heart in turn.

"I love you. I think I always did," he said, meeting Jared's gaze. "I...understand if you...can't forgive me. If you don't feel the same. But I needed to tell you."

The emotions in Jensen's eyes made something break open deep inside Jared, and he knew that there was only one thing he could do, one thing that could make him feel right again. He took a deep breath and let a small smile stretch his lips as he spoke:

"I love you too, Jensen." Jared's voice broke slightly at the end.

"Oh thank God," Jensen said.

The next second, Jared felt warm lips against and Jensen's hands tangled in his hair to pull him down into the kiss, soft tongue brushing against the seam of Jared's lips. He opened up without hesitation and moaned into Jensen's mouth as their tongues touched. It was like nothing Jared had ever felt before; for the first time, they were both fully invested, and he could feel it in the way Jensen held him close, the way the older man's tongue curled around his and traced every corner of his mouth with soft licks.

"Jared..."

Jensen breathed his name, a soft whimpering sound that had Jared wrapping his arms around Jensen's waist to pull the man even closer until only two layers of clothes separated them and he could feel the other man's heartbeat against his chest. 

_**~Jensen~** _

Jared's hair was soft as silk between Jensen's fingers as he pushed up into the kiss, and the fact that Jared was bigger than him made him realize how much had changed between them. Jensen could feel the kiss turn harder, more desperate, as he clung to the younger man.

"Jen...wait," Jared said, pulling away.

Jensen froze and looked up into multi-coloured eyes as he fought to hide the panic bubbling up inside of him, but Jared seemed to have noticed it anyway.

"No, I didn't mean like that. I'm not taking anything back," he said and curled one big hand around the back of Jensen's skull. "I just need to know one thing."

"Anything," Jensen said, too quickly; he cringed a bit at himself.

"This...us..." Jared said hesitantly. "Is it, will you... Is it something you want? For real? Because I can't have you say you love me if you're not willing to really give it a chance. Then it's better that we...don't..."

Jensen took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a second, willing himself to calm down enough to say what he needed to say.

"Jared," he started slowly, looking up again. "I love you. I might have just realized it, but...now that I have? I'm not letting you go. I'm here until you tell me to go. Whatever it takes, I want this to work. I want you."

Jared's answering smile was brilliant and Jensen couldn't stop himself from tracing his dimples with shivering fingertips. The stubble on Jared's face was new, as were those muscles stretching the fabric of his shirt, and Jensen knew he wanted nothing more than to get to know this new Jared, every part of him.

"Good, then we know where we stand... I just have to ask, though," Jared said with a little grin. "Who punched you?"

Jensen chuckled and lifted one hand to his jaw; the dull, throbbing ache was still there, but with Jared there right next to him, it didn't matter anymore. The pleasure of kissing Jared would outweigh any pain.

"Tom," Jensen said with a small shrug. "I...was an ass. He punched me and said a few things I really needed to hear. And here I am..."

"Remind me to send him a truckload of flowers," Jared laughed.

Jensen smiled and pushed closer to Jared again; the younger man didn't seem to object as he slanted his mouth over Jensen's and they returned to kissing, a soft slide and drag of lips and gentle licks of tongues, both of them taking time to explore each other again. But Jensen knew it couldn't last; sure enough, the kisses soon turned heated again and Jensen's hips rolled again Jared before he could even think about it, a moan spilling from his lips as he felt that Jared was just as hard as he was. Before he could think about it, they were both tugging at each other's clothes, desperate to feel more, skin on skin.

His fingers felt clumsy as he tore at the buttons on Jared's shirt and with a low growl, Jensen ripped at it, ignoring the sound of buttons hitting the floor; when he saw the tanned skin revealed, he leaned down and closed his mouth over one of Jared's nipples, sucking gently before biting around the already hard nub. He could feel Jared shiver beneath his touch and Jensen smiled, lips stretching against taut skin, when he realized that he still knew how to play Jared's body. That needed to be explored, later, when his whole body wasn't buzzing with the need to feel all of Jared.

"Need...damnit, need you naked, now," Jensen growled.

"Yes, oh fuck yes," Jared moaned as Jensen tore his shirt fully off.

He heard the sound of ripping fabric again but Jensen wasn't really registering it; all he wanted was to lay Jared out on the bed and get to explore every inch of his body. They broke apart to shed the last of their clothes and stared at each other, mere feet separating them; Jensen's eyes raked down Jared's body, taking in his strong muscles in a way he hadn't the previous evening. Jared at age fifteen had been beautiful, innocent and sweet; Jared at age twenty-one was gorgeous, all rippling muscles and tanned skin, and Jensen realized that only now was Jared able to meet Jensen as an equal, both mentally and physically.

"So fucking hot," Jensen gasped, pushing Jared backwards until he fell on the bed. "And all mine, only mine."

Jensen crawled on top of Jared, straddling the younger man's thighs as he leaned forward and tasted his mouth again, sweet against his own as the tip of Jared's tongue flicked out to meet his. His hands stroked over Jared's arms and up his shoulders as Jensen licked his way into Jared's mouth, relishing in the taste that he hadn't allowed himself to miss. Jared's arms came up around his shoulders and the man pulled him down until Jensen was laying on top of Jared, their bodies flush together; Jensen's skin felt like it was on fire wherever it touched Jared's. All that skin stretched out beneath him and Jensen needed to feel feel it, mark it—without thinking, he slid his mouth from Jared's tongue, tracing down the man's jaw and down his neck to where it curved and met strong muscle. Jensen bit down and Jared made a half choked moan, that big, strong body arching up against him.

He sucked blood to the surface, a metallic taste against his tongue as he licked over sensitive skin and Jared shivered, his hands drifting down to Jensen's waist. Jensen was sure that he would be marked by those big hands' strong grip; he could already feel bruises forming and he bit down again, leaving his own marks on Jared. When Jared's body arched up against him, he could feel the younger man's cock pressing hard against him; that was enough to make Jensen withdraw from the bruise he was sucking into Jared's skin, but not without a last pull of teeth that made the body under him tremble.

Pushing himself off of Jared, he knelt beside the man and looked up and down his naked form, breath catching as he took in miles and miles of perfect skin, marred only by the bruises on his hips that Jensen's hands had left the night before. Jared was looking up at him, his eyes half closed and his breathing slow and heavy as Jensen ran one hand down his body to wrap around the hard cock. Jared's eyes fluttered closed at the touch and he didn't see Jensen's next move, but his whole body spasmed as Jensen bent down and took the hard cock in his mouth. He was bigger than Jensen remembered, and the new sensation made him moan around the warm flesh in his mouth, sending vibrations down the shaft.

"Oh, Jensen...your mouth, fucking perfection," Jared mumbled, pushing his hips up.

Jensen smiled at that, lips stretching around Jared's cock as he slid down further, the salty taste of pre-come covering his tongue. As he pulled up again, he let his tongue swirl around the tip, dipping into the slit to gather more of the taste. Jared's body was almost vibrating beneath him and Jensen had to put his hand on Jared's hips to hold him down, fingers covering the bruises there as he slid his mouth up and down the hard cock. He stopped when he had just the head left in his mouth and hollowed out his cheeks, sucking hard as he pushed his tongue against the bundle of nerves on the underside; a half-choked sob escaped Jared as his body convulsed with the pleasure.

"Want... God, I want to taste you," Jared mumbled as he reached down to let his fingertips brush over Jensen's cock.

Jensen pulled off Jared's cock with a wet sound and quickly moved to lay down beside Jared, soft licking the man's cock as he stretched out. Jared's hand landed on his hips and he felt the hot breath fanning over his cock before a warm tongue darted out to gather the pre-come. Jensen gasped and without thinking, he rocked his hips forward, trying to get his hard cock inside the tempting heat of Jared's mouth. The hand on his hip held him back and Jensen let out an annoyed whimper before Jared grinned down at him and wrapped his lips around Jensen's cock. A shiver ran through his body as pleasure spread out from his groin and for a few moments, it was all he could think about, but then Jared pushed his hips against Jensen and his hard cock left wetness on Jensen's cheek. It was enough to remind him to take Jared's cock into his mouth again and he drowned himself in the sensation of those lips around him as his mouth filled with heavy flesh.

He sucked down hard on Jared's cock, unable to take it all down he wrapped one hand around the base and worked it up and down in rhythm with his mouth. The pleasure from Jared's mouth was intense; each curl of tongue brought Jensen closer and closer to orgasm, but he didn't want to come yet. He needed to have more first. Pushing one finger inside his own mouth, beside the hard heat of Jared's cock, he made sure to get the digit wet before he pushed Jared's leg up to give him access to the tightly furled muscle. Jared's whole body froze as Jensen pushed the finger inside, mouth still around his cock; for a few seconds Jensen thought Jared didn't want it, but then a loud moan echoed around the room and Jared pushed down enough to make the finger slide all the way inside. 

_**~Jared~** _

The dual sensation of Jensen's mouth on him and the slick finger pushing inside had Jared trembling and he circled his hips as Jensen's tongue and finger worked their magic; he was barely aware that he had stopped sucking until Jensen rolled his hips and the hard cock in his mouth pushed in another inch to make Jared moan again. He lost track of time as he worked his mouth around Jensen's cock, warm skin and salty slickness covering his tongue, and only when he felt his orgasm spiraling down his spine did he pull away.

"Wait...don't want to come...like this," he groaned.

He wasn't even aware of how many fingers Jensen had inside him, only that it was more than the one he had started with; the pleasure of the stretch outweighed any burn he might have felt in the beginning. Jensen pulled off his cock with a last swirl of tongue and when he pulled the fingers out, Jared couldn't stop a whimper at the sense of loss.

"Want you to come with my cock in your ass," Jensen purred as he sat up on his knees beside Jared.

The words sent another shiver of pleasure down Jared's spine and he could feel his cock twitch in anticipation as he pushed up to kneel beside Jensen. The man stroked strong hands over Jared's waist and down his hips as he walked on his knees to Jared's back.

"Do you even know how fucking gorgeous you are?" Jensen mumbled. "Everything I always wanted and then some."

Jared looked over his shoulder at Jensen and couldn't stop his blush as he saw Jensen's eyes focused on his ass, pink tongue wetting his lips in a slow move that made Jared want to push him down and kiss him senseless. Before he could do anything, he saw Jensen hold up a little packet of lube that must have been in the pocket of his pants. Jared groaned at the sight as Jensen slicked his cock, its red head glistening as he nudged it again Jared's ass, but instead of pushing in, Jensen leaned back, sitting down on his knees as his hands reached out to grab Jared's hips, fitting over the bruises already there. He pulled Jared back towards him and grabbed his hard cock with one hand, holding it in position as Jared slowly lowered himself down on it.

"God, Jensen...so big, so fucking wonderful," Jared moaned as Jensen's cock stretched him wide. "Want this, want you."

The words seemed to break through Jensen's control as his grip hardened and he pushed up; with one hard snap of his hips, he was buried all the way inside Jared.

"Yes, Christ, Jared... _yes_ ," Jensen gasped as he held still inside.

Jared felt Jensen wrap around him, one hand landing across his heart while the other curled around his hip bone and held him still as Jensen started to move, slow thrusts and glides and a lazy circling of his hips that had Jared see stars. The languid movement brought Jared back from the edge of orgasm but he could still feel it, heat pooling in his belly and pleasure curling under his skin as Jensen's cock graced his prostate time and time again.

"Jen, please, need more... God, need more, need you to fuck me," Jared could hear himself beg although he barely was aware of his own lips moving. "Harder, fuck, harder, deeper."

Jensen's grip on his hip hardened and Jared could feel the man struggle to keep the movement slow, but Jared didn't want slow anymore; he wanted to feel Jensen for _days_. He clenched his ass around Jensen, causing the older man's thrusts to stutter; a ragged groan sounded as Jensen's head came to rest on Jared's shoulder.

"Are you...trying to kill me?" Jensen groaned, circling his hips.

"No," Jared gasped. "Trying to get you to fuck me, I want to feel you, I want you to mark me."

_I want to be yours_.

A low growl rumbled through Jensen and Jared could feel it where their bodies were connected. Jensen pulled him closer, pressing their bodies flush together as he started fucking Jared in earnest as his teeth bit into Jared's shoulder. Jared was sure he would have lost his balance if not for Jensen's hands on him, blunt fingernails digging into his chest and hip as Jensen slammed into him harder and harder, each thrust aimed to hit Jared's sweet spot. The pleasure tore gasps and moans from Jared's mouth and he could feel his orgasm rising quickly; as his own hands reached back to land on Jensen's thighs, he could feel hard muscles rippling under his skin as Jensen fucked him even harder, both their bodies covered with sweat.

"Need to...fuck...Jared," Jensen groaned, letting his hand slip from Jared's hip to wrap around his cock instead.

Jared tried to bite back his orgasm but it was too good, too much, and when Jensen sucked another bruise into his shoulder and licked a stripe up his neck, there was no way that Jared could stop. His whole body clenched down hard around the cock inside him as he shot hot pearls of come over Jensen's hand and up over his own belly. He pushed down hard on the cock inside him and then he felt warm slickness fill him as Jensen came with a cry, hips snapping a few more times as he emptied himself inside Jared.

~*~

Jared wasn't sure how long he had drifted off, but when he came to, it was to the sensation of Jensen wiping a warm, wet cloth over his belly and down between his legs, cleaning the mess of sweat, come and lube off his body. The soft touch made Jared shiver and he smiled sleepily up at the man kneeling beside him. Jensen smiled back, an open smile that Jared had never seen on the older man's face before.

"Hey," Jared mumbled softly, reaching out one hand to touch Jensen's.

"Hey," Jensen said as he dropped the wash cloth on the floor beside the bed. He stretched out beside Jared and pulled the blanket over the both of them; Jared smiled when Jensen pulled him closer, one arm snaking under his neck. Jared tucked himself in beside Jensen, his head on the man's shoulder and one arm slung over his waist. They lay silent for awhile as their combined body heat warmed up the soft cover.

"So, where do we go from here?" Jared asked carefully, trying to hide the worry in his voice.

Jensen pushed one hand into Jared's hair and tilted his head back enough that their eyes could meet. He pressed their lips together softly before he spoke.

"Well, you're done with school," he said slowly. Jared nodded. "So, I guess you need a job."

"Uhm, yeah," Jared agreed hesitantly.

"And I was kinda hoping that you would try to find a job here in Dallas," Jensen continued.

Jared laughed as he felt his tension drain away. He pushed up to kiss Jensen again and propped himself up on his elbow to look at him.

"I think that's a good plan," he agreed.

"Also," Jensen started again. He fell silent and chewed on his lower lip. "I was thinking..."

Jared frowned a little and propped himself up higher as he waited for Jensen to continue. The man took a deep breath and closed his eyes without speaking.

"Jen?"

"I moved out of the house about a year after...you left," Jensen said with his eyes still closed. "It never felt right without you."

Jared could feel his heart ache; he pressed himself closer to the older man but didn't say anything, afraid to disturb Jensen in what ever he was trying to tell Jared.

"I think it could feel right again if...you came there with me," Jensen said, his voice barely audible. 

_**~Jensen~** _

"You're sure about this?" Tom asked. Jensen couldn't refrain from glaring.

"I was sure the first ten times you asked...today..." he answered, rolling his eyes.

"It's just that, it's a big thing, Jen," Tom said. "I get it, I really do, but..."

"Tom, you were the one who punched me and threatened to do it again if I didn't work things out with Jared," Jensen said. "Thank you for that, by the way."

Tom laughed as he pulled into the driveway. The bruise on Jensen's face was fully faded and Jared actually had sent Tom flowers, even though Jensen had teased him for it.

"What I mean is, I know it's big. But Tom, I was without him for six years," Jensen said as the white house came into sight. "I don't want to be without him ever again. What should I do, have him live in some apartment where I would spend all my free time anyway?"

"When did you turn into this giant sap?" Tom asked. "Where did the heartless asshole I knew and sometimes loved go?"

"He found someone worth being nice for."

Jensen smiled as he saw the front door to the house open and Jared step out, one hand shading his eyes from the sun as Tom pulled the car into park in front of the front steps. Jensen got out of the car and reached back inside to grab a small packet wrapped in brown paper before he closed the door, grinning as Tom waved to Jared. Tom mouthed the word 'sap' once more before he drove away and left Jensen to walk up to Jared and wrap an arm around the man's waist.

"What was so important that you had to abandon me to deal with the movers all by myself?" Jared asked as he leaned down to kiss Jensen.

"Oh, that must have been very hard for you," Jensen deadpanned. "Was it hard to tell them where the ten items we actually brought were supposed to go?"

Jared huffed at that but didn't let go of Jensen as they walked into the house; Jensen smiled as he felt the soft rugs under his feet again.

"I got the job," Jared said suddenly. "It won't be weird? Me, working for you?"

"You're not really working for me," Jensen said. "You're working for a company that I own, it's not really the same. Besides, you know they approached you before they knew about us, right?"

"I know," Jared said. "It's just...I hope they don't think I'm...like, your kept boy or something."

Jensen laughed and pushed Jared up against the wall, kissing him deep before he let his lips slide down to the ever-present bruises down the man's neck and shoulder that his v-necked tee did nothing to hide.

"But, you _are_ my kept boy, Jared," he said with a smile and a small nibble. "Just sitting around waiting for me to give you fancy gifts. Speaking of which, I got something for you."

He held out the brown package and smiled when he saw the curious look on Jared's face.

"What is it?" Jared asked as he started ripping the paper off.

Jensen didn't answer; instead he kept his eyes riveted on Jared's expression as he finished unwrapping the gift. The gasp and bright smile on Jared's face was enough to brighten Jensen's entire day.

" _Robinson Crusoe_?" Jared beamed. "I can't believe you remembered that..."

He kissed Jensen deep and Jensen felt himself reacting to Jared's tongue in his mouth, the strong body pressed again his.

"I remember, of course I do," he mumbled again Jared's lips. "I also remember...you and me, in the pool. How about refreshing that memory?"

~*~

Hours later, they lay in bed, limbs tangled together and bodies warm and sated as they traded soft kisses, their hands traced lazily over tanned skin.

"I love you," Jared mumbled against Jensen's neck as he sucked a bruise that Jensen was sure would be visible even when he was in his suit.

"I love you too, Jay," he answered. "I...got something else for you."

He hesitated for a second before he reached under the mattress for the small box he had hidden there earlier, opening it up out of sight. The metal felt cold as he turned back towards Jared and held out his hand, silver glinting in the light of the bedside lamp.

"That's my..." Jared gasped as he looked between Jensen and the ring. "You kept it?"

Jared's voice was thick with emotion as he reached out and took the small silver ring from Jensen's palm. Holding it in his own hand, he traced the outline with one long finger; Jensen swallowed past a lump in his throat as he saw tears glistening in Jared's eyes.

"Yeah," Jensen said, clearing his throat before he picked up a thin silver chain from where it had lain beside the ring. "I though you might want it back."

Jared let him slide the chain through the ring and leaned in as Jensen locked it around his neck, the silver ring resting in the hollow of his throat. Jensen pushed it down against Jared's skin, warming it with the pad of his thumb.

"I took something that wasn't mine to take," Jensen said quietly. "I guess this is me trying to give it back."

Jared looked at him for a moment before he pushed Jensen down on his back and kissed him hard, taking Jensen fully by surprise.

"We got off to a rocky start," Jared said.

Jensen smiled at that; 'rocky start' was really putting it mildly.

"But from now on, know that there's nothing you can take that I wouldn't give willingly."

Jensen reached out and turned the light off before he pulled Jared close, lazy kisses that went on until they fell asleep in each other's arms.

_**~*~** _


End file.
